my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize