Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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