I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
