I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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