Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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