you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize