you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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