i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
