Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
