I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
