Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
