wanna go halves on a baby?
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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