Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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