We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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