I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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