im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
