I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
