Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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