threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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