My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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