It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
