My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
