I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
