Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
