Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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