Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
