You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
