He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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