yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
