I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
