Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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