After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I fill condoms, not promises.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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