That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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