He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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