OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
