I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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