Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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