remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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