Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
