im six kinds of drunk right now
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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