neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
