you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize