two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
