u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
