Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
This gyro tastes like lonliness
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
