she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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