a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
