It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
