you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
