Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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