A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Nobody cheats on THIS.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize