He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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