Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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