Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
