if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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