Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
