Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
