Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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