so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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